The Internal Discourse

There's always an excuse to postpone doing what should be done, isn't there? As of late, I've had more than my fair share of excuses to pick from, but I'm not here to write about all the reasons I've been MIA. Previous posts already address most of the major issues, and now I'm looking to start fresh. Problem is, I'm not sure where to start anymore.

Since my departure* from HMN, I've been thinking quite seriously about what direction I'd like to take with my work, both artistically and through writing. Everything seemed so clear in my head at the beginning of summer. I felt energized and inspired. Maybe the problem was that I became too consumed and lost perspective. Truth is, I'm not sure what happened, or how I got to where I am, but changes need to be made in order to move forward. I'm currently at a stand still and I don't think I'm going to be able get the gears going again until I've had some time to meditate on the whole situation.


There are a few strong and recurring themes that dance around in my head, late at night when I can't sleep.

1. I need a creative outlet to keep me sane.

2a. That creative outlet takes on many forms, always has and probably always will. I get bored very easily and love to bounce around to different projects.

2b. Completion of projects is rarely the ultimate goal. Half finished projects used to bother me and make me feel bad. I've come to appreciate the time I can spend being creative rather than looking at ways to produce finished pieces.

3a. Ironically, I draw a sense of personal satisfaction from categorizing my creative efforts into neat little labels. Writer, knitter, French beaded artist. etc.
3b. Being officially recognized under one of those labels is even more rewarding. I haven't decided yet if the reward is internalized or for show/comparison; a public benchmark. I'm leaning towards believe the latter. Does that take chip away at my integrity?

4. I don't actually believe that any label could ever properly describe who I am, or what I'm capable of.

5. The above points worry me. It's one thing to craft for fun and relaxation and quite another to attempt to make a business of it. I'm confident in my abilities to run a small business as I've had the experience before and found it to be one of the most rewarding of my life. In that instance though, my lively hood did not depend on creative whim. Point 2b could prove to be especially problematic.

6. I've always heard that the happiest people are those who've combine doing what they love with what earns them their bread. In my case, I'm not sure that what I love is marketable. Or perhaps, I love too many things to devise a focused marketing plan.

7. I feel as though I'm standing at the cross roads of major decisions. So far in my life, I'm not convinced that I've always made the best decisions. The fear of taking another wrong turn feds my inertia, and doing nothing is still considered making a choice in my books. Doing nothing is no longer an option I am comfortable with, but I am unsure as to what path to take instead. It's a circular argument...

....So here I stand, twirling these ideas over and over in my head. I've been having a similar internal discourse for as long as I can remember. I think pondering such question is one of the few things that separates most of us from our childhood. These feel like grown up questions to me anyways. What I'd like to know is, where are the grownup answers hiding?



*There were some serious changes made to the organizational structure. Based on those changes, I reevaluated my goals and chose to move in a different direction.